How to Create a place an acting out child will want to go to calm down

 

Children who are overstimulated by their visual and auditory senses will struggle in a “busy” environment. Here is a quick and easy way to create a space that is special and rewarding enough for them that they will seek it out to calm themselves.

Here are some tips on keeping this intervention successful:

  1. Never use this place for a punishment
  2. If they are getting worked up suggest a that a visit to their special place might help their heart to feel better
  3. Praise them when they try to calm themselves, even if they are only a little but successful.
  4. When preparing the space, allow the child to decide what to put in their special place with boundaries that you can tolerate. For example, I like to say, “What happens if you get hungry while you are in your fort, should we put a snack in there?” If they respond by asking for a chocolate cake or a raw turkey, don’t say no, but offer a better alternative. “Lets choose a package of crackers or this sucker instead.”
  5. If your child is “too far gone” – don’t force this. If you don’t catch them before they are too activated it won’t work.
  6. Our children often have difficulty with undesirable tasks. This is normal. It may be unrealistic to expect them to want to do these tasks (brush your teeth, make your bed, etc.) Plan your schedule so that they have extra time to use their calm down place before having to do the task. Someday we want our kids to do it quickly – in fact if they do, shower the praise down on them, but if it’s always a struggle get used to saying, “take as much time as you need.” Encourage them to use their calm down place to find the calm and the energy they need to comply. So, if bedtime is 8, have them brush their teeth at 7 so they can spend 20 minutes in the calm down place first.
  7. Practice this with your child when they are calm. Learning to calm yourself is a skill. It is another tool in their toolbox. Make sure they know how to use it. For example:

Mom: “Yesterday you got so angry when dad was spending time with your brother…..That must have been hard because I know I liked it more when my dad spent time with me than when he spent it with MY brother.”

Child: [Tears well up because they feel understood]

Mom: “I don’t think you like it when you feel like that tornado is inside you, and I was so bummed that you broke your favorite toy because I know how much you like it. How about if we practice going to your fort to see if that helps you feel good.

Child: But I am not angry now.

Mom: I know, Lets just pretend. Can I see your angry face?

Child: [grunts and squints – veins bulge – teeth show – face turns red] (It’s like they don’t need much practice being angry)

Mom: Wow! You look really mad. Quick lets run to your fort and see if we feel better….

Child: [runs to fort, grabs snack, giggles]

Mom: Look It works! You are smiling already….

If you have other suggestions or other ways you calm your sensory kids, post them in the comments below.

Toys and tools to calm kids with sensory issues

Toys and tools to calm kids with sensory issues

 

This is the first of three episodes reviewing toys and tools designed to  help calm children with sensory issues. Children with sensory issues are overstimulated by the bombardment of stimuli coming at them all the time….imagine how they are feeling with an extra blast of stimuli during the holidays!

Products Mentioned in Episode 4

Remember, if you buy them from the links below, a portion of your purchase price is given to Forever Homes and will be used to support more families like yours!

Sensory Sox

[amazon template=thumbnail&asin=B01J73BNHO,B0042SYWMI,B0042SWKLS]

Kinetic Sand

[amazon template=thumbnail&asin=B00NQBBDDS,B00IG4YB5W,B014H1VONE]

It’s not you, it’s me

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Parents of adopted and foster kids often feel like they must be doing something wrong since they are not able to make their children behave during the holidays.

In this episode we hope that parents will understand that “it’s not you, it’s them.” Although we will be learning interventions to help, our kids are going to have issues during this time of the year.

Here are the 5 reasons kids struggle

  1. Trauma triggers
  2. Grief and loss
  3. Sensory Issues
  4. Self Regulation Problems
  5. AnxietyIf future episodes we will unpack those  more and give some interventions to help minimize the effects.

This Might Get a Little Personal

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Episode 1 – Meet Lynn and Jennie as they introduce the concept of the potty break – making effective use of your toileting time since you are unlikely to have any other time at a foster or adoptive parent

. In this episode they introduce the first issue to be covered on Potty Break – dealing with holiday behaviors.

New Episodes every weekday in December.

Dealing with Rejection and Hurt While Parenting Wounded Children

Dealing with Rejection and Hurt While Parenting Wounded Children

It may sound crazy that a grown woman, who is relatively emotionally stable, confident, and capable, would be so tied up in knots about emotional “barbs” coming from three little children. You would think it would be easy to brush off their brutal words, death glares and looks of distain and to easily recognize each time that they were throwing the “barbs” my way because of their own pain and fear of rejection. Deep down, I knew this. Sometimes remembering those facts helped me not to take their hurtful words so personally. At times I handled well their constant put-downs well because I knew that they used their words as a shield to protect themselves from experiencing more pain. Rejection had become a defense mechanism for them.

At other times, however, the put-downs and jabs simply wore me down, mostly because they just kept coming. There were no breaks. There was no time to process anything said, because the waves of rejection were overwhelmingly constant. After being immersed in this type of circumstance, you begin to feel a bit beaten up, despite your best efforts to maintain your sense of confidence.

Especially in the beginning, all of the kids knew how to deliver a well-placed punch through their comments. Picking them up from a weekend at respite, the kids used their surliest voices to say things like “WE had FUN this weekend” (AKA: “WE had FUN without YOU”). It got to be so bad that I dreaded coming back home, knowing the hateful comments and behaviors that would ensue over the next few weeks. (I loved my husband’s response one day to the emotional “attacks.” He said, “Hmm….you wanna just take a knife and stab mom in the back instead?” He also made them come up with a few more jabs, so they’d have more “practice” coming up with good ones. You know…we like for our kids to be good at whatever they do. Might as well be the best they can be. We were just looking out for their best interest…)

There’s something about what abused kids go through makes them experts at reading people and finding their weak spots. Like a shark drawn to blood, they can spot your “buttons” a mile away, and they seem to go for the jugular over and over again. Feel insecure about your weight? They will hit that button over and over. Experienced rejection as a child? I can hear the music playing now…duuun dun….duuun dun….dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…

  I used to feel weak when I allowed my kids’ words and behaviors hurt my feelings. I expected myself to be stronger than their jabs and barbs, wondering why words from children hurt so badly. After all, they were just little kids – kids that had been through terrible things, no less. I should have been able to take their blows with stride, right? Later, however, I began to understand that I had placed an impossible and unrealistic expectation on myself when I told myself that their words shouldn’t bother me. I needed to allow myself to be human and to understand how normal my reaction to their rejection truly was.

I remember a time when my husband and I were on the beach in Florida. I kept trying to stand up, but the waves just kept coming and coming and coming, each one knocking me down as soon as I would even begin to get my bearings. I’d just barely make the attempt to stand up when another wave would come crashing over me, sending me down again. I felt scared, because as hard as I tried those waves had full control over me, simply because of their size and frequency, regardless of how strong I tried to be to break free. I understood how easily I could have been pulled under by the force the waves had over me, simply in the sheer number of waves coming at me.

Just like those waves in Florida, the constant waves of belittling, jabs and rejection experienced while parenting wounded children make it difficult for anyone to not be knocked down with feelings of hurt and rejection. Just because the rejection comes from a young child doesn’t necessarily lessen the hurt. When we expect ourselves to be able to not be bothered by any hurts sent our way by a wounded child, we end up placing unnecessary guilt upon ourselves, which keeps us from being completely honest about our feelings and dealing with them in a healthy manner. Letting go of those expectations allows us to honestly face the hurt and process through it. What we feel is normal. We must allow ourselves to be human.