I keep hearing celebrities and others talk about what people should be doing during all their “extra time”during the Coronavirus pandemic. Every time I hear it, I can’t help but think of those parenting children with extra needs, knowing that for them this time in quarantine could provide many challenges rather than extra time.

We asked our panel of parents what they were doing with their “extra time,” and, after they stopped laughing, they shared with us their tips on how they’re staying sane during this time while parenting a child (or children) with extra needs.

Get everyone active

• A family from Moldova who lives in an apartment shared that keeping the kids active had helped tremendously. They drive to a different place every day and spend around two hours hiking. 
• Another family kept their children active by purchasing a piece of exercise equipment
• One mom shared that she goes for a run during her 15 minute break from work instead of sitting around.
• One mom, whose boys enjoy skateboarding, decided to purchase a long board so she could join in with them.
• A great resource one family shared was gonoodle.com. It provides a variety of ways to get kids (and parents) active, as well as some breathing exercises.

Use the resources you have

• One family had a relative who’d been furloughed from his job. They started using their daycare money to pay that relative to watch their kids while they worked. Others have been paying older children home from college to watch their younger children.
• The mom from that same family shared that she started using the candles and other treats she’d purchased for “special occasions.” She encouraged other to consider the quarantine a special occasion and to use those items you’ve held back using.
• A single mom recommended that people recruit relatives or others to read to kids via Skype or zoom to give themselves a short break. She also shared a resource for “virtual babysitting” called Virtual Babysitters Club (www.virtualbabysittersclub.com).

Re-frame Self-Care

• With six kids at home, many of whom have special needs, one mom shared that she’s had to re-frame what she views as self care. “Getting a shower is now a huge deal….”
• Another mom reminded us that “This isn’t working from home. This is trying to work during a pandemic….” She has been trying to go easy on herself, reminding her that this is no easy task.
• Still other parents encouraged other families to maintain consistent bedtimes 

Revisit an Old Hobby (or Take Up a New One) and Consider Including the Kids

• Since her children need a lot of help with homework, one mom has learned to crochet so she have something to do while they work.
• Another mom has started doing scrapbooking again.
• One dad took up a new online game to play with his friends.
• Another family was surprised when they paid for everyone to take an online art class together  and all their kids, even the ones who don’t consider themselves artistic, loved it. (https://www.yaymaker.com/)

Take Creative Breaks

• The family from Moldova builds a break into their day that has helped their sanity. After they return from their hike, the kids have an hour or two of quiet time in their rooms.
• Others encourage consistent, early bedtimes for the night-owl parents to have some alone time or enforcing an early morning quiet time for early riser parents to have some time to themselves.
• Another family has come up with a creative way to have a date night. They provide each child with some form of electronics and dinner and send them into their rooms to play. While the kids are enjoying their screen time, the parents enjoy a movie and take out in the living room.

I hope that these ideas can help you find creative ways to spend all of your “extra time” while in quarantine.

Start Here: Deal with your “stuff” first

As an amazing parent,  your desire to help your child during challenging times runs deep. The first and most important step in helping our kids deal with challenging situations is to attend to our own emotional state first. In her time with the Thrive Parenting small group, Dena Johnson challenged us to start by considering the following questions.

1. How aware are you of your own anxiety and depression during this time?
2. How do you communicate that to your children (unintentionally)?
   
3. How do they pick up on your emotions?
   
4. How can you communicate safety?
   
5. What can you do to make this time worthwhile and a surprising gift?
   

A good starting place for any type of trauma/loss is to identify it and name it.  It’s very hard to process emotions that have not been named.

Put these scripts in your back pocket

Once you are able to identify your own emotional state, baggage or triggers, you can begin to help your kids do the same.

It is hard to know exactly what to say in the moments when our kids suddenly need us. It is a great idea to have some standard scripts ready to go. When you do, you’ll find yourself using variations of them over and over. Believe it or not, when you use them enough, your kids really start to believe those what you are saying. Here are some starter scripts that you can modify for your situation:

“I’m feeling pretty uncertain right now.  It makes me grumpy. I wonder if it’s the same for you?”

“I think if I were in your shoes I’d be awful scared about whether you will be safe or not.  Before you came home to us you had some confusing times when people who should have provided for you didn’t. “

“Wow kiddo.  This time is really confusing.  I bet it’s hard to trust me to take good care of you in the middle of all this uncertainty.”

“You know, I was thinking.  Your mom died from illness a few years back and now we are all facing some scary virus.  I wonder if that makes you more anxious about your safety? Or about whether or not I’ll be around to keep you safe.”

Cardinal Rule #1 when trying to help your kids feel better: Don’t ask what’s wrong

Most of the time our kids don’t know why they are having big feelings. They don’t need to answer a ton of questions right now.  But conversation starters where you “wonder aloud” can help allow kids to process their own feelings.

How can you communicate safety?

Our kids are super-de-dooper tuned into our emotions and moods.  It is a by-product of trauma that they are able to read moods and protect themselves. We must constantly remind them of the truth that we are the adults put in place to keep them safe and that we will handle our own feelings appropriately. Try some of these scripts:

“I know this is scary and confusing.  I just want you to know I am sooooooo old that I’ve had lots of experience with this kind of thing.”  (even if you haven’t)

“You know, I take a lot of classes and talk with a lot of people about how to handle hard things like this.  I’m sort of an expert. You don’t need to worry because I’ve done a lot to prepare for this very moment.”

“Did you know that foster (adoptive) parents have to take a lot of classes and spend a lot of time getting ready to bring you home and keep you safe? Yep.  That’s my job and I’m really good at it.”

“You may have noticed I was really short-tempered yesterday.  I am sorry about that and I’m working really hard to take the best care of you in this crazy time.  Sometimes that makes me tired or worn down. I talked to a friend (partner, therapist) and learned some better ways to handle my stress. “

Essentially, we bear the responsibility of continuing to grow in health and strength as parents in order to meet the needs of our kiddos with trauma/loss/neurological struggles/exposure, etc.

Perfection not required or expected

You may not feel like you are there yet. You may doubt your own ability to handle this time. But that’s for you to work out in a safe place and not to pass on to your kids.  They get the gift of believing that you are “bigger, stronger, kinder and wise.” (this is a core principle of Circle of Security – an excellent training for professionals and parents working with kids who need “extra supports.”)

It’s okay to not answer some questions or to let your kids know “That’s a great question and I’ll think about that and let you know.”

It’s okay to tell your kids that there are boundaries and that you cannot be “on” all the time or respond to every concern or anxiety.   We can set aside time for concerns but NOT be held hostage to their anxieties all day long. It’s not good for them or for us. 

AND:  This is unprecedented.  You are NOT alone.  

The tendency is likely to either “check out” or “over-compensate.” Neither are wise.

You are doing OK. You’re not expected to know all the answers or have it all together.

What can you do to make this time worthwhile and a surprising gift?

We can do more than just survive difficult times. We can thrive. Have you considered taking advantage of this unexpected opportunity to:

1. Slow down. 
2. Assess kids’ needs.
3. Assess your needs.
4. Weed out the unnecessary and unprofitable.
5. Weed out the stressors.
6. Focus on relationship, connection, and predictability.
7. Set goals for family identity and work towards it.  “Kindness. Helpfulness. Encouraging.”
8. Let your kids help.  
9. Teach them new things: how to vacuum, how to clean, how to cook, how to weed.”
10. Have fun.  Find ways to say “yes” and stick to your “no’s.”

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Here is a list of resources discussed this week:

Disconnected: How To Reconnect Our Digitally Distracted Kids

Reset Your Child’s Brain: A Four-Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen-Time

Ultimate Brain Breaks: Cards with great ideas for keeping kids moving in a way that helps with neurological growth and organization

Thanks to Michelle H. with a lot of great resources from Relationship Development Intervention with Young Children: Social and Emotional Development Activities for Asperger Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD 

Parents are invited to continue the conversation at our private online facebook group

Some products/tools mentioned that can be used with your kids

Sensory Sox

Hiker’s Hammock

Therapy Ball

Mini Trampoline

Swing

Pod Swing

Swing Tent

Bean Bags

With school being cancelled all over the US, parents are struggling to figure out how to best help their children. As you navigate this unprecedented situation, here are 7 tips that will help you thrive in your new normal.

1. Don’t Panic

In the long run, our kids won’t remember necessarily the facts we taught them but they will remember how they felt during this time. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself. This isn’t normal. It would be better for us to accomplish less and make this a positive experience.

2. Let Go of the Guilt

We aren’t experiencing life as normal. In fact, this isn’t normal homeschooling. We are in a national crisis and it’s not going to look perfect. It’s ok if your child is watching more tv than you’d hoped or you lose your cool sometimes. Go easy on yourself. Let’s get through this!

3. There’s no wrong way to do this

Some parents will choose to do a full day of school at home, while others will choose to treat it more like a summer break. For some, keeping up with the school work being sent home will be easy, but for others, especially those who are still working or who’s children require extra supports, it won’t. Do what works for your family and what you feel is best for your child. Don’t try to force something that isn’t working.

4. Don’t do Regular School (or regular homeschool)

If you do choose to try to homeschool your child, remember that you don’t have to do a school all day. You can typically get done in a few hours what it takes all day to do in a regular classroom. This is an unprecedented time, and with all the change and possible anxiety, its ok to lighten the load a bit.

5. Get up and Move!

Try to get kids up and moving throughout the day. Especially for kids who’ve experienced trauma or who have sensory issues, the best thing you could do for them is to get them active. Throw on some music and have a dance party in the middle of the day.

6. Don’t be afraid of play

Consider places like Finland, where children don’t attend school until they’re seven years old and the schools incorporate lots of play into their day. Play actually does help kids learn.

According to the late Karyn Purvis, author of The Connected Child, “Scientist have recently determined that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create new synapse in the brain – unless it is done with play, in which case, it takes between 10 and 20 repetitions.”

Maybe you can teach your child numbers by playing Go Fish or fractions by baking cookies. Put together puzzles. Make some memories.

7. Most Children Need Structure

My older children would fall apart without a lot of structure when they were younger. I hated schedules but, for them, they did better in the summer when I would plan out their time in thirty-minute increments and post a schedule. A schedule may help those children who can’t self-entertain or struggle with time management. Here is a schedule idea from BIAS Behavioral:

You can also work with your child to come up with a schedule. This can create buy-in for the schedule. If you are parenting a child who struggles to do anything without you, this may be a good time to help them understand that a family makes sure that everyone’s needs are met, not just one person’s. Talk with your child about things that you need to accomplish throughout the day and work on your schedule together. You can even use a timer to indicate when you will be working on something that doesn’t include them and then a timer for how long you will play a game with them. Giving them a time-frame for when you will be working versus helping them can communicate that their needs are important and help them develop patience.

If you have a child who really struggles doing anything without you but you need to get something done, consider getting them started on a game near where you are working. Have your children take turns moving your game piece for you. That way, they feel like you’re still involved even though you are getting other things accomplished.

If you keep these key points in mind, you will be able not just to survive this challenging time but thrive. Also, consider joining us for our weekly, online support group for a supportive community and more tips.